Merry Madness — The Tournament of Holiday Music (Part 3). The East.
To the East! Where we had a couple of upsets — particularly if you’ve ever considered taking a pilgrimage to Graceland.
Starting off with a Bing, Mr. Crosby’s “White Christmas” (a favorite to win it all) took on (and dismantled) the Cinderella story The Waitresses’ “Christmas Wrapping.” People hate this song. So let me get defensive. “Christmas Wrapping” has clever turns of phrase, a hyperactive bass line and some simple, solid and Christmas-catchy, horn lines that keep it uptempo and fun while we go through the Humbug-to-happy story arc. It’s pretty magical. So give it a chance. That said, it loses 89–43. Because…“White Christmas.”
#2 vs #15 was a shocking matchup as the Kings of Christmas, Perry Como and Bing Crosby enjoyed a rare encounter in the first round. Basically, “O Come All Ye Faithful” got a raw deal with a 15 seed. It’s a really good song. But it doesn’t really stand out as anyone’s favorite, right? Anyhow, it’s less to do with matchup and more to do with this specific version of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” It’s ridiculously good. And completely mood-setting, if you need it. 98–86 in a barn-burner.
“Do you Hear What I Hear?” Yes Carrie, that’s Andy Williams and that’s the sound of domination. “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” — 104 points. “Do You Hear What I Hear” — considerably fewer.
In what promises to disappoint a lot of my ex-girlfriend’s mothers #13 “Blue Christmas” fell short to #4 “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” In this least-date-rapey of versions, Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Jordan enjoy playful banter as the only insistent voice in the song is a steady bass line that supports their swinging lines. It’s all fun. Not like Dean Martin’s lascivious version. Or the creepy Willie Nelson / Norah Jones record. Shiver.
Alas, Celine Dion sneaks into the second round as she beats out John Williams’ “Somewhere in my Memory” from Home Alone. Let’s face it, #12 barely made it into the tournament as it didn’t exactly meet the requirements for eligibility. It’s just so…damn…good and when you hear that chorus singing during Kevin McCallister’s Christmas Epiphany, you cry. And if you don’t cry, you probably also can’t solve the Captcha at the bottom of the web page. 76–72.
Okay, gang. I wasn’t expecting this. George Strait’s #11 “Up on the Housetop” went up against The Jackson 5’s #6 “Frosty the Snowman” in the first round — and George came to play. Had he faced the Jimmy Durante version of FTS, I think he would have been out-muscled. But he took care of business. Despite their alacrity and ability to work together, the Jackson 5 were picked apart by a more classically-trained standard. The slide guitar, the tasteful jingle of bells and the simple piano were all Mr. Strait needed in his arsenal to dismantle the young quintet. Timbre and tenacity beat out youthful ignorance, 89–54.
Which leads us to our second upset in a row. Darlene Love absolutely annihilated the Trans-Siberian Orchestra with #10 “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home.” And thank God, too. The TSO has been assaulting us with their shitty Christmas music for decades. It’s time someone stood up to them. They’re like glitter — an act of holiday terrorism, no matter how well-intentioned.
Finally, I can’t believe I’m witnessing this, but The Eagles just beat out Elvis. And they did it with the Blues! “Please Come Home For Christmas” evokes a slideshow of cinematic moments that demand your imagination. You listen to this song and you feel the loneliness and the desire that frequently accompany the holidays. Meanwhile, Elvis’s version of “Here Comes Santa Claus” is fantastic. And it sounds like he’s drunk…and on speed. I don’t know, fellow revelers, this was a close one. But listen to both. Close your eyes and picture yourself looking out the window at freshly falling snow. And then you’ll see what I see: The Eagles — 67. Elvis — 66.
Now that we’re all getting into the holiday spirit, the next two first round quadrants should be close behind. Get your nog and/or cider, cuddle up between the fireplace and the tree, and get ready for the bloodbath!
