Merry Madness — The Tournament of Holiday Music (Part 7). The Round of 32 (Southwest and North Pole).
Well, that should be the longest title of any of these articles. I’m excited to get to the Sweet Sixteen where we can see everything go down all in one sitting. Until then, we’ve got some hearts to break with eight more eliminations, so let’s get to it.
#1 in the Southwest, “The Christmas Song” by Nat King Cole, met it’s first challenge of the tournament as it faced #8 “Winter Wonderland” by Connie Francis. Both songs do wonders to get you in the mood, and both mention Eskimos! (not sure if that’s an advantage). The difference-maker ended up being that “Jack Frost nipping at your nose” is much preferred to frostbite taking off your toes. And if you’ve ever walked through a Winter Wonderland, you know the best part is looking forward to when you can stop walking through a winter wonderland. As it turns out, the “later on” that Connie promises came a little too late and Nat King Cole welcomed us home the whole time. 87–73.
The #2 seed in the same region is “Silver Bells” by Bing Crosby and Carol Richards — my wife’s favorite Christmas song. It went up against the unlikely #10 “Sleigh Ride” by The Ronettes. In this Battle of the Bells, the Motown ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-dings harassed the Silver Duo all game. Persistent and uptempo, “Sleigh Ride” had unrivaled horsepower (and an actual horse sound) that kept “Silver Bells” on their heels.
Did you know that “Silver Bells” was originally called “Tinkle Bells?” Yeah, and it would have stayed that way if co-writer Jay Livingston hadn’t gone home and told his wife the title. She asked if he was out of his mind / didn’t know the double meaning of “tinkle.” Anyway, it’s a fun way to sing that song now, if you ever have to pee:
“Tinkle Bells…it’s welling up in me.”
“Tinkle Bells…I’ve really got to pee.”
“It’s time I went to the restroom.”
Ultimately, “Silver Bells” (correct title and all) didn’t have enough juice and lost to “Sleigh Ride” in the round of 32. Don’t tell my wife, though. She’ll kill me. Thank God she doesn’t read this shit.
Mariah Carey took care of business in the North Pole region as she handed Johnny Mathis an early exit ticket. When Mathis sings “We Need a Little Christmas,” I believe that it’s true. But we need people who are bringing Christmas spirit, not looking for it. He joins “Where Are You Christmas?” in the parking lot as the new Queen of Christmas reigns with an 89–66 defeat.
Oh no! Both #2’s took a number 2 in this round of games! Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby”, though iconic, is not what the season is all about. Her “gimme gimme gimme gimme take take take” (a million points if you know what that’s from) attitude of materialism is everything that’s wrong with the holidays. And so it is that another #10, Amy Grant’s “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing,” trumpeted the true reason for the season and sent Eartha for a long cruise on that yacht she wanted so badly. (If you’re really into self-loathing, check out Madonna’s awful version of Santa Baby…The. Worst.)
Our next highest seed in the Southwest bracket is “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by The Carpenters. Well placed at the #3 seed (good job, me), it normally wouldn’t have much of a challenge until at least the Sweet Sixteen. Well, along come The Drifters. I mean, their version of “White Christmas” just has it ALL. {Side note: there are a handful of these songs left that borrow a refrain from “Jingle Bells” in their arrangements. Listen for it. Nat’s original recording of “The Christmas Song” and this version of “White Christmas” both end with a nod to “Jingle Bells.” So, if you’re bummed about Frank Sinatra being knocked out with your favorite song, you can rest in the knowledge that it’s still here with us.} Anyway, it kills me to do it, but “White Christmas” wins. 68–66.
And it’s the end of the line for “Last Christmas,” too. The #12 seed was always going to have an uphill climb, and they got knocked right off that hill by Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” The issues here seemed to be the turnover margin. Wham! was besieged by steals and errant passes the entire game. Most notably, after putting together a great set piece from a timeout, the very next play, they gave it away. 75–65.
Bruce Springsteen didn’t even need his E Street Band to defeat Pentatonix. But that’s the thing, you do need a band to compete in this tourney. A quick note about A cappella music — it’s dumb. Ask any musician in a band and they’ll tell you that it’s often the notes you don’t play that are the most important. Try telling this to the members of an A cappella group who try to fit 50 notes into a single bar any chance they get. It’s impressive, but distracting. So they lost. By a bunch.
And finally Michael Buble edged out Josh Groban and Faith Hill’s “O Holy Night” in the Battle for Who is Slightly Less Annoying. It was close. Mick O’Boobles won. Again, on song choice alone. I swear this guy is going to back his way into the Elite Eight.
